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Lyme Disease Support Network

Suicidal thoughts & worried I'm going to lose my job


#1

This is my first time posting here. I’m so glad you guys exist. I feel so alone in my struggles and so hopeless that my life is just going to collapse around me.

I’ve been struggling with my mystery illness for 6 years. 3 months ago I got tested positive for Lyme, and am so relieved to finally know what it is, but after 3 months of holistic treatments with a Functional Medicine doctor who specializes in Lyme (major diet changes, supplements and vitamins), I’m feeling just as sick as when I started.

We discovered I have SIBO, as well as (probably) Babesiosis and Lyme. We have to treat the SIBO first - which we’re doing through supplements, diet changes to heal the gut, and in about a month antibiotics. Then we’ll start the provocation protocol to confirm Babesiosis, then I don’t know what treatment she’ll recommend.

Just like so many of you, I feel like a shell of the person I was. I’m 33, used to be a marathon runner, now I’m about to get a wheelchair because my back pain and weakness is so severe I can’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Before all this started I struggled with social anxiety. It’s always been hard for me to go into an office everyday and face people, but I managed to make it through and have a very successful career. Now though, the Lyme has been affecting me neurologically, bringing back not just my anxieties but bad depression and suicidal thoughts. Everyday to go into the office, to take care of daily responsibilities, is not just a struggle physically but mentally as well.

Even though I’m finally on the right track to get better, I somehow feel even more hopeless than before. Maybe it’s because I’ve been working so tirelessly the last 3 months doing everything I’m supposed to, and am still feeling so sick and in pain everyday. I can’t imagine it’s ever going to stop.

All I want is to make the whole world go away so I can just focus on my Lyme, but the doctor, the supplements, the treatment, my apartment, my lifestyle, I can’t do it without a salary - and I don’t want to quit my job or backslide in my career.

I just feel so tired and so lame - I’m losing friends, when I’m not at work I’m at home with my husband like a hermit. I’m like a human extension of my couch.

And the suicidal thoughts scare me. I would never think I would ever do that to myself or to my husband or my family, but I feel like the Lyme is taking over my brain and sometimes I just feel so out of control of my own body. I’m scared it’s going to get worse. I went to my psychiatrist and she put me on Duloxetine (antidepressant), so hopefully that helps.

In the meantime, in the midst of all the treatment struggles, how do you guys stay strong each day to keep going to the job, to keep doing the responsibilities, to keep holding on and staying hopeful?

I’m so sorry that al of you are going through this too - I hope every one of you feels better!

-xox


#2

Hey there,

Thank you for sharing your deeply personal story with us. I think feeling down is a universal part of dealing with disease, but the depression and suicidal thoughts are definitely something you need help with. I’m glad you saw a psychiatrist- how long have you been on Duloxetine, and do you have follow-up appointments booked? Have you also tell you family about what you are going through and do you have a solid support system around you?

We are here for you in the all the ways we can be. I myself do not have lyme, but I hope some of our members can comment with their experiences.

Keep us updated :slight_smile:

Meli (and Seenie and TJ)


#3

@trust_level_0
@trust_level_1

Members of Lyme disease Support Network, I thought I would share this post with you. Can anyone relate to XOX? Hope you are well,

Moderator Support


#4

I have had a lyme diagnosis for 6 months. I had bad back neuromuscular pain. a rheumatologist has helped me the most. she sent me to infectious disease and I had 6 weeks of doxycycline and then IV ceftriaxone for 6 weeks. my pain is gone. now I am still debilitated. but when I was in pain I didn’t care if I lived. I took “lyrica” for nerve pain.

I tell you this because it is so wonderful to live without pain.
I can work at overcoming the debilitations. right now I have a frozen shoulder and asthma ( shortness of breath) that are the damage from the disease.

I ferment my own kefir and make sourdough and grow a vegetable garden. We eat everything from scratch. I will be 72 next month so I don’t have to go to a job each day. My responsibilities are much fewer.

I just buried my 99 year old mom on father’s day… she taught me to be tough and to be happy with little things.


#5

We’re glad you’re here, XOX. As my colleague Meli said, feeling down is one of the things that is most common and difficult for people with rare and/or chronic conditions. I don’t have Lyme, but I know only too well the feeling of being in a deep, dark mental trench and not being able to crawl out of it. It really feels like the sun will never shine again. But if you hang in there, it does. What you need when you’re down there is the reassurance that we’re still here, there still is life out of the trench, and when you do get out (because you will get out), things will be much better.
Sometimes, in the deepest darkest night of your despair, you just need someone to talk to. Have you notice the helpline that’s posted under the HELP tab above?
Hang in there, XOX, and keep in touch.

Seenie from Moderator Support (I have severe Psoriatic Arthritis, not Lyme)


#6

Hi XoX,

I am so thankful for your honesty! I have suffered from suicidal depression from lyme and Bartonella for 10 years.
In that time I made 6 serious attempts on my life. I was so certain none of it was going resolve.

We finally bought an inexpensive rife machine- and it is starting to kill the the intestinal bugs, heavy metals, and co-infections.

Just killing the parasites in my intestinal tract really lifted my depression! A huge part of our immune system is in our gut.
Your digestive tract also manufactures neurotransmitters.

It sounds like your integrative doc is missing some pieces…google integrative doc, Olympia Wa. This doctor seems to have really wide knowledge of lime and other chronic diseases. His book is very simple to read, but packed with information.

I hope this info gives you encouragement to keep going! Keep reaching out, it really helps the depression. Having Lyme friends is awesome!


#7

Thank you for all the comments everyone! <3 I’ve been on Duloxetine at 40mg for 2 weeks now. I don’t notice anything yet, but hopefully will soon. Yes I have a follow-up appointment booked in a month with my psychiatrist, and a follow-up with my Functional Medicine Dr. in a month.

How long do you usually try out a specialist before you decide he/she’s not the right fit? I really like my FM Dr but I’m not sure if she’s doing the right things or not. It seems like she’s super knowledgeable and I trust her so far, but I don’t know when I’m supposed to start seeing results.

@virginiagal I’m so sorry about your mom! Sounds like she left you with some great lessons. <3

@kestral5 - wow that’s awful how difficult your struggle has been!! I’m glad you’re starting to feel better. How do you cope with everyday life after your attempts? Was there anything that you really relied on to help you push through?


#8

Oh, the period just after you start an AD is often when you feel the worst. Hopefully you should be coming out of that “dip” soon, and feeling a little better. Come to think of it, you already sound a bit more upbeat.

S


#9

Mostly my family. My husband has been so deovted and loyal…That keeps me going.
What helped the most was finally getting diagnosed! It meant I was not crasy anymore- or imagining things.
Also forums and facebook.


#10

Sidebar comment from ModSupport. I work on all thirty of Ben’s Friends websites, and this is one of the unifying themes. Once you know what’s wrong (and you no longer feel like an over-exaggerating, crazed hypochondriac whiner and complainer) you stand a chance of dealing with whatever it is, even if “whatever” is serious and difficult. It’s feeling like your crazy and imagining things that’s hard to handle!

@XOX, how are you doing today?

Seenie


#11

I have my good days and bad days. I am learning not to be so freaked out
with the ever changing symptoms I have. I am slowly starting to heal with
the rife machine we purchased. It is very slow, but we are seeing
results. As we kill off the pathogens, my my mind is getting clearer and
less depressed.